| Not a hero unless you die. |
[Mar. 12th, 2008|11:17 pm] |
So it begins;
Death, as you know is a rebirth. A change.
Before the Razor's Edge i have been thinking of the way to tell my parents which unbeknownst to themselves have become the major reason for my inability to change my shell into what i envision myself as, and as a result many different situations were played in my mind which included accidental, emotional and other ways to remedy their lack of knowledge of my problem ultimately resulting in their acceptance of me as i wish to be.
But lacking the courage i've never actually made an attempt. Yet as a person who has studied reality in it's inner workings (multiple posts on that later i hope) i have come to realize that through one's will the reality will adjust itself in order to prepare for a vanishing mediator which is bound to emerge once the critical mass is reached. The beauty here is that the person only notices the vanishing mediator itself, not the preparation for the said phenomenon and hence is usually surprised to see the chain of events unfold in a precise manner leading to said emergence.
So here i am, staring at my own previous post and feeling extremely inspired by it.. Enough to actually formulate a plan; but where does it start? No i'm referring to the plan itself but rather to the beautiful chain of events which ultimately led me to post the Razor's Edge.. For a reason which i cannot yet reveal i will not discuss the chain of events in here, not now anyway. But i am rather fascinated with my findings.
Now onto the plan; Shortly after the Razor i've begun manufacturing a mental consensus with the relation to this specific issue of gender dysphoria within my home and by successfully exploiting the issue my mother's emotions are heavily invested in i have introduced her into the chain of events.
Suffice to say that soon enough and with a little help from me she will suddenly be discovering my private secrets which she wouldn't dare even look at without me revealing them to her and as a result will, by her own actions, find out my secret in a way which will offer me both enough space to maneuver and the sufficient amount of moral high ground so utterly instrumental for their forced acceptance.
Wish me luck. |
|
|
| The Razor's Edge |
[Mar. 12th, 2008|08:42 pm] |
Well hello there dear lack of readers,
how have you enjoyed my lack of posting as of late?
I sure hope you have.
My life hasn't changed one bit aside from maybe several minor changes which i will promptly be reporting on in this post so confusingly dubbed `The Razor's Edge`.. The name will be explained later though, i promise you that but beforehand I'd like to first post a follow up on some of the projects, both physical and mental that i have taken upon.
First and foremost; my game engine (written in c++, using opengl, openal, a bit of sdl and a lot of laziness) is still going, slowly but firmly i'm working on the little beast hoping to someday use it's parts for another, more sophisticated engine since the ideas i have for games are in abundance not to mention the already written 'living documents' for two of my first game projects;
expect nothing since i might as well fail here.
Secondly i'd like to add that i bought an awesome lappy, a EX600 from MSI; named her Snowcrash and she is now my main linux workhorsie which i use for the above mentioned coding. Base stats are C2D1.5 / 2gbDDR / 120hd / dvd+-rw / 15.4"@1280x800 / Geforce8400MG / Wifi/BT and to be honest it's way above my expectations as a linux coding box albeit not without some initial problems but nothing major.
Aside from that my feminisation has been suspended for now.. and that's what the rest of this post will focus on since this matter has been bugging me for quite some time now. I'm refusing to and never will fall into depression, thanks to the genius of Richard Bandler whose works have pulled me out of it many years ago; hell i don't think i'm capable of being a weakling after he went through my mind and for that i'm very thankful. But i do see the futility of my current, emphasis on current situation. Main obstacle being my parents who are not the kind of people i can freely communicate with and so they do not know anything about my private life or thoughts or desires; they've lost me completely.
I am unable to come up with enough courage nor have i been so far successful in manufacturing a situation in which my growing need to become a girl could be revealed to them and i cannot for the life of me guess how they'll take the news.. I sincerely do not know what to do and having no one to give me a semblance of advice i can freely admit that i am completely and utterly lost.
I know for a fact that if i grow up as a male i will degrade severely and i am yet unsure if i'll be able to sustain my current mental stability yet.. Yet i'm for some reason literally shitscared of coming out to them as either bisexual or a person with apparent gender dysphoria..
I have no guide but i do believe, however slim the chance might seem right now,
that i will find a way.
I wasn't given a brain for nothing after all. |
|
|
| Why oh why |
[Aug. 7th, 2007|05:26 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | mind hack | ] |
| [ | location |
| | . | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | awake | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Theatre of Tragedy - Let You Down (Remix) | ] |
Why is it that every time i consider death i get this wonderful tingling feeling all over my body and the more i think about the the more enjoyable this feeling becomes. It's almost post-orgasmic in nature, absolute relaxation, as if my body knows.
No, i am not suicidal. Even though i know how death feels like, i know how it tastes because for a very short period of time i was there and i cannot deny the feeling of absolute and utter astonishment i experienced upon waking up; head on the floor, my feet held by a nurse, a doctor's face looking at mine with a mixture of fear and disbelief.
It happened when i was about eighteen; i had to undergo an operation nature of which is unrelated to this post and a day before the scheduled operation they sat me on a chair, "It'll only take a moment" the nurse said; her breasts looked as if they were sculpted by an artist. Her face calm, unmoved.
I tried to tell her that i prefer having my blood taken as when i lay down, otherwise i temporarily lose vision at times. She was probably too busy pondering over this frisky new skirt she eyed in a store. The good nurse probably knew better; after all who could have thought that this time i would lose a lot more.
I recall as she skillfully penetrated my vein; the invading needle felt same as the ones before it, i was not looking. Then something happened, something i have never experienced before, at first it was like a vertigo; my mind struggled to take control but then the nausea kicked in and i was sure the nurse's attire would soon be ruined but none of that happened. The nausea was replaced by an intense desire; i wanted her, i wanted her badly. My erection made sure she knew that as well.
I refuse to describe what i have seen; suffice to say i did not see angels nor devils. Nor did i see my dead relatives or a tunnel of light. But i have seen something, something that i would not be able to paint or describe accurately enough to transfer the picture into your mind.
The description of what i felt upon waking up overwhelms me before i even try to describe it; even now. Yes, i can understand why some people are furious upon awakening, but i was not; i was flabbergasted and could only look at the stranger's face with my mouth open and my mind racing...
It was not the best of feelings. |
|
|
| Friends or.. hm, yea. |
[Jul. 15th, 2007|03:17 am] |
Ever had a feeling like your friends aren't really friends but are just people you hang out with because it turned out that way? That's what i'm feeling the last couple of weeks.
I'm beginning to hate the fact that i got addicted to having human interaction (thanks, ex.) while several years ago i could (and did) go without people for months and not care or bother finding friends, i enjoyed being alone.
And now it's pissing me off.
I'm not made for social atmosphere, i'm open and honest and most often i hurt people. I'm thin with a very menacing demeanor at times and i don't back down nor do i expect other people to.
Bah, for the life of me i don't know how i let myself get addicted to people,
it will ruin me. |
|
|
| Fiction based on fiction based on imagination. |
[Jul. 15th, 2007|03:13 am] |
I've started writing ...something.
it turned from a short story into something that already has a prologue and several chapters, it's morbid and it's going to get even more so because i want to show the true face of the cold and futuristic world i'm basing it on.
The world is, well, Eve Online universe. but most of the eve fiction has been too toned down for my taste ...most, not all. So i've decided to write my own way of how i see things there, hopefully i'll pull myself and finish it. I hate leaving projects half done. |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
stuffonmyhead's journal